"Non-Stress" Tests

I have ONE more week of appointments until the induction on July 5th and I am so burned out. It doesn't help that my last two NSTs results were less than stellar. One resulting in a failure and ended up in the hospital for a few hours waiting to be discharged when baby boy finally decided to perk up enough. The next NST, the following week, while a pass (Hallelujah!!) still took a lot longer to get the desired results and accels in order to get the thumbs up to go home.

Let me share the details on my first NST the one that got me sent to labor and delivery at the hospital because it's quite the story. So I had already been having twice monthly BPP (bio physical profile) ultrasounds (now I have them once a week), so I knew that so far everything had been going great with the pregnancy thus far, baby is growing great- 50th percentile all around (truly a miracle due to his cord- we all thought he would be way on the smaller side) he's moving great, practicing breathing like a champ, motor skills are good so I went into my first NST appointment thinking it would be a breeze and take no longer than 30-45 minutes... oh boy, was I wrong. Not only did I under estimate the length of time of the appointment, but for the first time this entire pregnancy with what feels like hundreds of pre-natal/pregnancy appointments I decided to bring the girls to that one. Why, oh why, did I bring the girls to that one!? What was supposed to be a quick, usually only taking 20 minutes, hooked up, in a private room turned into my own personal version of hades.

Not only did my girls decide that this would be the perfect opportunity to be the most rambunctious, defiant, worst minders ever, but what should have been 30 minutes tops, turned into 2.5 hours! My stress level was already through the roof simply by having my evil spawn children there, but I was panicking because the OB or nurse didn't know why in the world the baby wasn't being reactive to the test. For all they knew he wasn't getting enough oxygen. So there I was trapped 45 minutes from home, meaning I couldn't even drop the girls off at a friend's house or have someone come and get them and I had to go to hospital for extended testing WITH them (not without getting a Frozen Lemonade from Chick-Fil-A on the way first because the Doctors were hoping some cold sugary drink would help baby boy pass his test quicker and because they're delicious of course).

I now know there truly is a hell and it is not made of fire and brimstone, but it is being strapped to a bed, worried sick about your unborn child, while your two other children run around a hospital room not listening to any of your bribes, threats or pleas to behave. I cried hot angry tears while unable to move to make my children listen to me. I felt like a failure as a mother "don't my children respect me?" The friendly nurse tried to diffuse my what was now tangible tension in the room by commenting that my girls were the cutest children she has ever seen "Their beautiful blue eyes! Her curly hair! Her glasses!" while I cried worried and angry tears simultaneously. I wanted Austin. I needed him, but I was alone. Austin was in charge of admistering the LSAT and it was impossible for him to leave mid test or he would have been there in a heart beat. Also, I didn't know how long I was going to be at the hospital and I really didn't want him to head over even if he could have because  1) I didn't know how long I was going to be there. I didn't want him to drive there and then half way turn around because I was discharged and 2) our other car (Wolfie) isn't registered or even insured and I didn't want him to risk getting pulled over. He was willing to drive over after the test, but I was finishing up and I would have been leaving as he was getting there. Austin hates that the day this all happened was on a day where it was impossible for him to leave, but I know he would have been there if he could have. He normally doesn't miss an appointment- he's really good about that.

Finally after a few hours baby boy decided to show off and pass the extended test. My head rang from a tension migraine,  I silently put the girls in the car and told them to not make a peep the entire ride home. I didn't yell, but the way I said it the girls immediately understood the errors of their ways. They didn't make a single sound the entire 45 minute drive home. I unbuckled them from the car took them inside, all without any words, and let Austin take over. The minute I opened my mouth to speak I uncontrollably shook with rage and cried intense sobs. Austin took the girls to their room, had a very stern and serious talk with them and put them to bed with a piece of bread each for their dinner and that was it. It took me a couple hours to stop crying, the floodgates had been opened and there was no stopping it until that river was dry.

Alls well that ends well, but that day was one of the worst days of my life. I actually have a mental list of my worst days and this ranks at number 3 (I have a good memory haha!). I was so overcome by so many conflicting emotions by days end, steam coming out of my ears anger, stomach turning worry, head and heart pounding stress and breath of fresh air relief. That my body needed to physically recover. I turned into bed way early and in the spirit of Scarlett O'Hara reminded myself that "tomorrow is another day!"

Moral of the story: Never take your children to a "Non-stress" test. It's the most ill described test I have ever heard of.

26 days

A date has been set! It feels official and eerily close now- our baby will be earth side in T-minus 26 days!  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that fact, but it almost feels set in stone now. There's a part of me that still feels like I might go into labor naturally just because that's all I have ever known labor wise, but both girls were 4 days late, soooo the odds of me going before that point naturally are slim (though not impossible- this pregnancy has been a whirlwind of unpredictability and so unlike any of my others). Austin is relieved to have a date- he's much better suited to a plan and each pregnancy a part of him dies waiting for me to go into labor. It doesn't help that I usually have days of pre-labor to conquer before the real deal happens so that not knowing phase is a killer. I think he's looking forward to a calm drive to the hospital with hopefully a full nights rest behind us and taking comfort in knowing once we walk into the hospital we won't be leaving until we have our baby. I mean I see the appeal of induction, I do. But I'm scared. I don't fully know what to expect other than that pitocin is the devil. I don't like the idea of so many interventions, but going into labor naturally could be dangerous and there needs to be constant monitoring of the baby to make sure he's enduring the labor safely. It's strange to have such a different mentality this go around. A part of me feels a tad disappointed to not have the labor and delivery that I had envisioned since becoming pregnant with this little boy, but I do feel peace with our choices.

We had two options when it came to choosing a date- July 3rd or 5th. I selfishly chose the 5th because I REALLY don't want to spend my favorite holiday in the hospital or worse recovering from a potential c-section. I would really like to spend that day and evening with my girls and celebrate baby brother's impending arrival. I am a smidge nervous that I might not be able to enjoy the holiday as much as I normally would because of the nerves, but there's nothing like a BBQ and fireworks to help take your mind off of things- am I right? Hopefully I will tire myself out enough to where I will be able to sleep great sans-nerves and anticipation because it's going to be an early wake up call the next morning! It's all feeling so real now! July 5th... 26 days... ah!

35 weeks

The induction date hasn't been set yet, we are hoping to get on the hospital's schedule and set the date at my next appointment this coming Thursday. But we are officially in countdown mode! Only 4 weeks left- barring any complications or unexpected turn of events. Right now there's a slight possibility that baby is growing too well in his bedwomb (hah see what i did there?) that if he continues having growth spurts the rate he has been between the last few appointments (he's currently in the 80th percentile) he MAY have to come early. The doctor said if he hits the 90th percentile that's when we would discuss a possible earlier induction just to hopefully help prevent unnecessary pressure or weight on his cord (which is working like a champ- whoo hoo!). So baby is growing perfectly which is really exciting and relieves a lot of worry we had going forward from our 21 week ultrasound.

Even though there are only 4 weeks left at this point I still feel that there is still so much to do. From here on out I will have 3 appointments a week (thankfully 2 of them are on the same day back to back) so when I look at the long list of appointments it still feels like I have FOREVER to go. Have a look for yourself...

Then there's the fact that we are still SO unprepared (#thirdchildproblems). We still don't have a carseat ordered mostly due to the fact that our stroller system only works with a certain type of carseat that just happens to be one of the more expensive styles and I am hoping and holding out to hopefully find one on sale for a decent price. That's another thing I am finding funny/conflicting about this pregnancy is that we are so sure this little guy is our last that I feel this insane urge to splurge because I won't be able to buy these things again, but then the very real feeling to skimp and save on everything because only one baby will use it. It's messing with my head!

So other than the lack of carseat situation I think we are ready to go. I have a handful (or 2 hah!) of wishlist items that I would love to get before his arrival, but honestly we could do without them or at least could get by without them initially. Nothing as dire as a carseat because we need that to get him home haha!

At 35 weeks physically: I am feeling huge and overheated. I am running a few degrees hotter than normal, but that's to be expected when there's a bun in the oven am I right? We haven't had any unbearable days heat wise, but I am already turning the AC on to sleep at night... Austin hasn't complained too much because with our bedroom upstairs it gets pretty warm up there. My tailbone I am pretty sure is broken or dislocated (I know I am being dramatic, but with how much it hurts it HAS to be broken right?!) because it hurts 24/7 if I stand too long or sit too long or stay in any position too long I just about die. I don't know if its just a matter of the little guy's positioning or what, but sheesh I will not miss this part of pregnancy that's for sure. The girls both lived under my ribs which caused different and probably just as painful symptoms (herniated intercostal muscles- ouch!) but at least I didn't have to sit on my ribs haha! So I feel much more acutely aware of this pain and it's harder to ignore.

At 35 weeks mentally/emotionally: I feel my anxiety peaked a few weeks ago and that I am turning a corner with coming to peace/terms with the potential problems/complications that could arise during labor. I am glad I am educated about them, but there is nothing I can do at this point. It will go how it goes and I need to just trust everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I don't know why it took me so long to finally come to this point, but I am glad I'm here now. I am feeling a little stress about the impending induction just because I have only gone into labor naturally so that's a little nerve wracking, but the thought of having all my ducks in a row and knowing exactly when I will be in the hospital will be extremely helpful especially with making sure the girls are taken care of. With both of the girls we went to the hospital within the 3am-4am time frame, which makes finding someone to come last minute not very fun. So it's exciting to avoid that part. Plus that last week of pregnancy where it's a waiting game to go into labor and not knowing when is the worst. Where the only question any one texts or calls is "baby here yet?" "are you still pregnant?" trust me people, you will know when this baby is born. Both Austin and I will be so relieved to have come out the other side of this pregnancy that I am sure we will be shouting it from the roof tops. :)

So for 4 weeks we will  happily await this little boy's arrival. He will change all of our lives and we can't wait. 

p.s I STILL can't believe we are a having a BOY!

Velamentous Cord Insertion (VCI)

This pregnancy has been night and day different from my previous two. While I feel each one was unique in it's own way, for the most part the girls' pregnancies had more than a handful of similarities. This time around is another thing. From the intense and unrelenting exhaustion, completely different "morning" sickness symptoms (this time around turned out to be less sea sick feeling/dizziness and more crampy upset stomach) and with a lower laying babe, alllll the bladder issues (hello, midnight bathroom visits x10) that I NEVER experienced with the girls because they pretty much lived under my ribs- ouch! Another difference with this one has been the 24/7 worrying. With Maisie's pregnancy I was young and naive, so I went with the flow. With Ellie's I had enough mothering experience to be confident in my body and skills that I have learned on the way. But this one? He's kept us on our toes.

At our first prenatal appointment when I thought I was 8 weeks along, but really turned out to be 9 weeks, we learned I had a subchorionic hematoma (the accumulation of blood within the folds of the chorion (the outer membrane, next to the placenta) or between the uterus and the placenta itself). It wasn't anything I was too worried about, but it was something I found myself thinking about often enough. Most women who have a subchorionic hematomas go on to have healthy pregnancies, but my brain would wonder about potential risks mostly the increased chance of miscarriage. But as my baby continued to grow and with every check up I was more reassured and began to forget all about it. With a quick ultrasound at 17 weeks they confirmed that it resolved on its own and was no longer visible. Sweet relief. I found myself enjoying the pregnancy more. My anxiety nearly died, other than freaking out about having a boy (ahh!). Ok, its all downhill from here, everything is fine. 

A few weeks later at my 21 week anatomy scan (we had already found out baby was a boy at the 17 week scan)  I went to this appointment without Austin. Normally Austin doesn't miss a single appointment, but he had had his gallbladder surgery that morning and was pretty down for the count. I reassured him "Everything is ok, they are just looking at everything and we already know the gender soooo no big deal. I'll facetime you ok?" I ended up taking Maisie because she was pretty excited to see her little brother. I thought the ultrasound was going great, but I could tell she was checking something, checking and rechecking on my lower left side. She would switch from 2d to 3d to the blood flow monitor over and over. She finished up the ultrasound and then said "First, baby looks great!" uhhhh what's second?? "I see an abnormality with the cord and placenta." She seemed pretty lax and unworried so I asked what the problem was. She said "I'm having a hard time being 100% sure, but either the cord attached marginally (the very outer side) to the placenta or it didn't attach to the placenta at all". Now I don't know why, maybe it was her calm demeanor or the fact that I had been up since 5 am and at the hospital for Austin's surgery allllll day long or that Maisie was sitting right there, but I wasn't bothered by the information. I figured with how calm she was being that if it were  something to worry about she would have told me? I don't know. I do remember her saying that with this sort of cord abnormality, it puts the baby at a slight increased risk for a cord accident and stillbirth. Also I just assumed that I must have had the marginal insertion because how relaxed the appointment was. I went home and explained to a very groggy and drugged up husband what I was told. Even explaining it to him I could see the worry in his eyes and confused as to what this meant as far as the rest of pregnancy. I tried telling him "she told me not to lose sleep over it, so I don't think it's a big deal".

As the days passed, I started to worry more and in that worry I turned to the internet. I know, I know, but I honestly wasn't looking for horror stories. I just wanted the facts behind the abnormality. Everything thing I read mostly discussed Marginal Cord Insertion and pretty much said while they will monitor the pregnancy more, mostly making sure that the cord was suppling enough nutrients and that the baby was growing according to schedule, it wasn't anything to be too concerned over or anything too uncommon. As I was reading through the articles I kept coming across info for Velamentous cord insertion or VCI and how it's a much different beast than Marginal cord insertion (my description, not the articles hah). I felt reassured that I MUST have the marginal version because based on everything about VCI I had read, it was contrary to the way the ultrasound specialist had acted. Another day passed and I became sick with worry what if it is the velamentous one? So I called my midwife hoping to get an appointment, but she was already over booked for the day and there wasn't a chance to sneak myself in (of course it was a Friday so I would have to wait until the next week). So then over the phone to the nurse I explained my uneasiness about the results of my ultrasound, she forwarded the call to the radiologist and that lady said in exact words "I don't know why the ultrasound tech said she couldn't tell if it was attached or not, but I can confirm that it is NOT attached and IS Velamentous." Over the phone I began to sob. All of the what ifs and anxiety I had been feeling the days prior all came flooding back hundredfold. All the things I had read about ruptured or pinched unprotected cord (aka the means the baby gets nutrients and more importantly oxygen), restricted growth of the baby, stillbirth, cord accidents, retained placenta, more likely to hemorrhage during birth... yadda yadda yadda. I was freaking out. Austin came home from work to a wife in fetal position on the couch full on melting down about how our baby boy is going to die and I can't stop it. He was able to pull me out of my spiral of doom pretty quickly (he's good at that) but he allowed me to vent and express all the fears of hopefully less likely and very undesired results.

We left on vacation to Arizona before I could meet with my midwife and speak with her about what this diagnosis means as far as birthing options, monitoring and tests. I tried to just enjoy our vacation without worrying too much, but it was exhausting not knowing more about this potential serious and scary abnormality. I took solace that so far baby boy had been growing right on track or even a smidge bigger than gestational age. So while the cord/arteries/veins was not desirable with location and lack of cord protection, baby boy was growing and was healthy.

Finally, after a few weeks we were able to get into our appointment with the midwife. Some ball was dropped on the ultrasound techs side because when I started to sob to the midwife about how anxious and worried I have been she looked confused. "What's wrong? What did the ultrasound show?" they didn't inform her, so it was news to her. She immediately pulled up the ultrasound and started looking over it. She was mad because had she known, she would have called me to talk about it and try to explain things. We talked about what the rest of this pregnancy would look like. She said the main concern is growth restriction on the baby and a potential early delivery based on his ability to thrive from the cord. Her other worry was a retained placenta after birth. Since the cord is not attached to the placenta theres nothing to help pull it out, which means manual extraction, a possible D&C and potential hemorrhaging requiring a blood transfusion. She made me feel much better as she described exactly what she would do if any of those scenarios happened. Austin and I left the appointment feeling much better. After we discussed it with family and friends everyone said "maybe get a second opinion?" so after the recommendation of Austin's boss, we made an appointment with a high risk OB. We wanted to consult him and see what he would do differently, if anything than the midwife could/would do. He explained that he has had a handful of VCI cases, not tons because of how uncommon it is, but he's had enough experience to know exactly what could happen. He explained that he would do much more extensive monitoring of baby's growth, cord location, fluid levels and starting at 34 weeks twice weekly non-stress tests along with ultrasounds every 2 weeks. This was very different than what the midwife wanted to do. Which I guess is the beauty of a midwife- they are hands on, less intervention, less stress. But Austin and I both felt that in this case more monitoring would make us feel better. Plus with this sort of cord abnormality it puts me WAY more likely to need a c-section. This OB could do it on the spot without any backup calls, where as the midwife would have to exchange me over, which is precious time we can't have wasted. Our OB explained that once my water breaks that's when its imperative to monitor the baby constantly. He explained that without the cushion of the water for the exposed vessels it's a matter of how long the baby can hold his breath if they become pinched or compressed against his shoulder etc. We knew right then, we needed an OB and it broke my heart because I LOVE my midwife. If it were any other birth, she's exactly who I would want, but with the so many unknowns and potential risks we need to be where they can be addressed the quickest and unfortunately that's not with her. Also, we needed to switch from our hospital to one with a NICU and trauma unit just in case. So right now the plan is to be induced at 39 weeks if no other complications come up before that point.

So in about 7 weeks we will have our baby boy! I wish I could fast forward to the day after he's born just so the worryingr and stress can be over and hopefully an uneventful birth without complications will be behind us. All I want is safety for the baby and myself, its so nerve wracking not knowing what's going to happen, but I guess that's the case for all births. I hate the lack of control I feel at all times, but I have to be reassured that we are being as diligent and proactive as possible and that's all we can do at this point. I'm so happy we have made it to 32.2 weeks without any scares and that so far everything is on track and going well. I am so thankful for modern medicine and that we were able to catch this and be aware of its presence and be ready for any and all complications that could arise.

Let's do this baby boy! Not much longer now. :)

Oh Boy!

Baby boy was bent in half his entire ultrasound- essentially ears between knees.

When Austin and I thought about our future we always imagined parenting a hoard of girls. I imagined braiding Maisie's hair while she braided Ellie's, while Ellie braided our other little girl's hair etc. A cascade of braiding estrogen. Austin was in on this visual. Not that we didn't want a boy, but when we thought about our chaotic family life, we could only see a life full of mostly naked baby dolls strewn about the house, "Frozen" or more currently "Moana" soundtracks on repeat all day every day, sassy remarks and twirly dresses. It's what we knew and became comfortable with.

We had an inkling that this pregnancy was different, but all of mine so far have been remotely different, but this one was the sore thumb of the bunch. My energy levels and morning sickness was night and day different than the girls' pregnancies. But I still had that little girl perfectly picked out in my head because it was a fact that we can only make girls right? I went into our ultrasound with the idea that I wouldn't be surprised either way, just because this pregnancy was so different it would make sense if it was a boy, but also with the idea that we can only make girls right? Win-win thought process huh? haha! When my midwife said "yep, it's DEFINITELY a boy" I went into shock. What??? We can make a boy? Ahhhhh! I was instantly excited, but felt oddly unqualified (and so, so, SO unprepared) to have a boy. Our world with only girls, was about to get turned upside down.

Maisie was convinced it was a boy from the second we told her we were going to have a baby, which was around 6 weeks pregnant because I became too sick to hide it from them. "Mommy, it HAS to be a boy right? It would be crazy to have THREE girls right?" We had long talks about how we can't control what the baby is, but whatever it is, it's apart of our family and we love it so much already. Ellie said she wanted a girl, but honestly she's just so baby hungry that I don't think she'd mind either way. Side note: I have never met another little girl who possesses such motherly instincts as strongly as little Ellie. I think Austin was pulling for a boy from the beginning because he feels so out numbered and also his past remarks of "I want a boy to carry my name" (insert eye roll) but he still could only imagine a girl. We both left the ultrasound appointment in disbelief, but so so happy.

It felt strange to wander down boy isles- it was like a foreign country, scratch that more like a different planet! I found my eyes (and sometimes my entire body) wandering towards the girl's section (why are little girls things just so flipping cute?!) And kind of wondering if this was real life. Not a huge fan of all the little sports, trucks and boy sayings. No joke yesterday I found such a cute onesie for a boy, but in big capital letters sprawled across the front was the word "DUDE" really?! Is that even necessary. So it looks like I'm dressing my boy like an 80 year old man- give me all the loafers, cardigans, suspenders and I'm good.

I found myself secretly missing all things "little girls" and I think its because we are 98% sure this is our last baby (even before we knew what this baby was, we felt this way) and I don't think I have fully let it sink in that I won't be shopping for little newborn dresses and headbands for OUR babies again. But how exciting is it that we get to have a whole new experience for our last baby. This little boy is already so loved and wanted. I feel such a connection to him that feels entirely different than mine with the girls. So with one chapter closing, another new and exciting one has been started. I feel so blessed to be pregnant and that we even have the opportunity to grow our family by one more. We can't wait to meet this little guy and smother him with kisses- Ellie won't be able to contain her affection and I don't think I'll be able to either :)

pre-birth story

The week leading up to Ellie's birth was full of ups and downs and it would feel wrong not to include the moments/days that led to her birth. So if you are looking for all the birth details they wont be in this post, but you will get a good sense of my mental state before going into labor. I promise the birth story is coming up soon, but until then, I present to you her "pre-birth story".

Lets start at my 39 week appointment with my midwife- on the 15th we found out I was dilated to 2 cms and 80% effaced. We were over the moon and prepared ourselves for a sooner than later birth (big mistake). A couple days later (the 17th) we were completely convinced that I was in labor- I had contractions for 14 hours that grew in intensity that got to only 4 minutes apart and stayed that way for over 2 hours! My good friend and neighbor, Sarah hung around me all day and even she was convinced it was the real thing (she has 5 kids and her last was born just 4 months ago, so she's a pretty reliable source when it comes to all things pregnancy, labor, baby and children)  She also marched me around the neighborhood militant style for a couple hours and forced me to eat spicy tacos. After my late night walk and my belly full of spicy tacos I went home where I started to pack my hospital bag. At two in the morning I was pretty uncomfortable, but mostly tired. I decided to lay down and prayed that I would have a distinct feeling on when to call the midwife (who lives 30 minutes away), but I felt pressed that I should just try to get some rest. Sure enough I fell asleep and the contractions while they didn't stop, became less frequent and died in intensity. This lasted for days. Seriously. Contractions and the consistent-growing-in-intensity-this-is-the-real-deal-I'm-in-labor contractions for many many days (and nights). I was over it.

A couple days after the false labor, I called my midwife after having a big meltdown because I was so discouraged with how many contractions I was having, but having no other sign I was in labor. She had me come into the office where she did another check to find that this time I was only 3 cms and still 80% effaced with baby very high...so in my irrational I'm-going-to-be-pregnant-forever way of thinking I took that as no progress (even though I was one more cm dilated so those contractions were doing some thing...I guess). I about had it. I then promised myself to ignore all contractions and wait for one of the "for sure" signs of labor. I wasn't going to believe it until I had other "cervical signs" (those of you that have had babies know what I am talking about), my water broke or I was in transition. Every thing else I would ignore and pay no attention to.

My sister, Katie, flew into Idaho Falls on my due date and much to my dismay, I was still pregnant. At lunch Katie told me about a dream she had a month or so back that Ellie was born on the 24th  I scoffed because there was no way I would be 4 days late... 2 maybe, but 4? No way! I thought she was just having some subconscious "premonition" because Maisie was 4 days late and her brain some how remembered that and was applying it to Ellie (I don't know what it was, but it turns out she was right). We spent the next couple of days relaxing because Maisie was down and out with a cold and I was 40+ weeks pregnant, tired and cranky.

Wednesday, July 23rd AKA the worst day of my life- okay okay, not life, but probably in my top 5 worst days and most definitely of the whole pregnancy. I had my 40 week appointment scheduled for 2pm and since we had a couple hours to kill, we went up to Idaho Falls to run a few errands. We ran into Sam's Club for a few things, but mainly the soft pretzel I was craving, but sure enough they were sold out and Heaven knows I wanted that pretzel. That was strike #1 of my worst day tally. Anyway, we lost track of time in Idaho Falls and missed my appointment (strike #2) I felt so dumb, but after calling the midwife she told me to just come in and she would squeeze me in. We quickly made our way to my appointment where we waited for what seemed like forever (totally my fault because I missed my allotted time, but still I'm not fond of waiting. strike #3). My midwife did another check and this time a 3-3 1/2 and 80% effaced so this time no change at all expect a measly 1/2 cm (strike #4) I almost started bawling right there. Then we started a stressful conversation about possibly doing an induction because my sister only had 6 days until she headed back home and the whole purpose to her visit was to be here for the birth, so I felt seriously pressed for time. My midwife looked me in the eye and told me she was convinced it would happen by itself and with Katie here. So we decided not to schedule the induction which was risky because they don't do it on weekends so my only option would be Monday a day before Katie leaves that is if they weren't already all booked up (strike #5). No bueno.

 My midwife asked if I had any questions or concerns and so I mentioned I hadn't been feeling Ellie move around very much the last few days, I figured it was due to her getting into position, but to be on the safe side my midwife decided to give me a non-stress test. What should have taken 20 minutes ended up taking over 2 hours because Ellie's heart rate wouldn't accelerate and even out (strike #6). Why that's what they are looking for? No clue, but I did know that they weren't very happy with how it was going. Finally close to 2 and 1/2 hours in Ellie got the hiccups which was great relief to me to finally feel her move, but it also accelerated her heart rate enough for my midwife and nurse to assure me everything was fine and to go home and take it easy. Those hours were so stressful, I was beyond worried and upset that some thing was seriously wrong with my baby. The way the nurse looked at the strip and tried to act like she wasn't worried, really freaked me out. I was so upset that I felt like a bomb about to go off, I am sure Austin, Katie and Maisie could all feel the tension radiating off of me. I had reached my threshold and from there on it took everything in my power to try to stay calm, but really I was anything but calm.

 I hadn't eaten since 8 that morning and it was pushing 5 o'clock- I was starving (or as I say hangry- hunger/angry- strike #7) which on top of the 6 other strikes set me over the edge. I made a huge salad and ate it while hot angry tears dripped down my face. After my salad I went upstairs where I took a little nap and then was woken up by contractions. All I could think to myself was great, now the false labor is back, but little did I know then that I truly was in early labor...

Third (& last) trimester

Let's talk about this pregnancy shall we?


-27 weeks-

I have been meaning to do more updates (er... any updates) about this pregnancy, but at least I'm doing one now right? I mean I'm only 35 weeks along... haha

This pregnancy has been so smooth and surprisingly I find it passing by quickly (I think the four year old helps out with that aspect hah). Now that I am in the last 5 weeks I have a suspicion that time is going to drag on (and on and on), but we still have plenty to do before Ellie makes her grand debut, so I don't mind it. I am actually very much hoping she holds out until her due date or later because if she comes early it's going to be during Austin's finals week and as happy as I will be to finally meet this little babe, I think I can patiently wait out her due date.


preparedness:
 As for all that we still need to do?

1- stock up on diapers and other newborn necessities. Honestly, if I only manage to get diapers and Aden and Anais swaddling blankets I will be happy.

 2- set up the crib and changing table in our room. I was hoping to repaint them, but realistically I don't think that's going to happen.

3- wash/organize all her clothes.

4- buy labor necessities. A cozy thin material robe and essential oils- I'm thinking eucalyptus or maybe lavender?

5- plan out and pack our hospital bag. I way overdid it with Maisie. I packed her like 4+ outfits, games I thought we would want to play and food that I thought I would want to eat during labor (hah yeah right).

6- this one is a splurge, but I hope to get my toes painted (but a full on pedicure would be even better haha) I painted them two weeks ago and it was already quite the task then, that now being two weeks bigger I think it will be near impossible.


thoughts:

For some reason this pregnancy doesn't seem entirely real to me. It seemed like with Maisie's pregnancy that the idea that we were going to have a baby set in real quick and occupied my every thought. I think this time around I am already in Mom mode with Maisie 24/7 that I don't have to spend a majority of my time thinking about it because heck, I'm living it already. Just yesterday sitting at the dinner table I told Austin that I can't fully wrap my head around having a newborn again. Which seems so odd because it was so easy to imagine while I was pregnant with Maisie and I had never had a baby before, but here I am already having done it once (and almost about to pop) and for some reason can't fully grasp the concept yet. And it's not a matter of not feeling connected to this pregnancy/baby because I very much am- I already feel like we are a family of four, but actually imagining her, right now in my arms still feels foreign for some reason. I do find myself day dreaming if she will be a Lloyd blonde with Austin's inviting green eyes or a clone of her big sister with unruly warm brown curly locks and the truest blue eyes. How amazing it will be to meet this little girl- as unreal as it seems now.


worst parts:

Pain and general uncomfortableness of the following body parts including, but not limited to:
ribs, pelvis, hip, tailbone and feet.

My insatiable craving for Chipotle that's 200 miles away.

Being out of breath 24/7.

Having my first midnight full bladder wake up calls (I NEVER did with Maisie).

Not being able to sleep on my belly.

Pregnancy insomnia/becoming the lightest sleeper in the world. I feel like I never fall into a deep sleep... ever.

Pregnancy congestion and bloody noses.

Anxiety about labor, recovery and the changes in the family dynamic.


best parts:

Feeling her little (and sometimes not so little) dance moves.

Her predictable activity pattern. This girl is exactly opposite of how Maisie was in utero- she is active almost all day and then totally sleeps at night (is this a good sign for her post-birth routine? Gee, I hope so!) Maisie on the other hand slept almost all day and then partied all night long (no thanks).

This little one cleared up my skin that Maisie's pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones totally destroyed- I think I have had a total of four zits this whole pregnancy and three of them were in the first trimester when my hormones were insane.

For some reason when I'm pregnant I fall into an unplanned routine. It seems like every day I do about the same thing, but for some reason when I am pregnant the monotony doesn't bother me. My body feels better with the predictability of a schedule. I eat around the same times and go to bed and wake up around the same time.

Seeing how excited Maisie is about having a little sister. She already takes her duties as big sister very seriously- Maisie feels like she already knows little Ellie and I am interested in seeing if Maisie will still feel so familiar with her when she's actually here or if there's going to be a learning curve.

Having a baby shower this last weekend with all the great friends I have made here. It was so much fun to pack my house with such lovely ladies and celebrate Ellie's impending arrival.

The darling and tiny newborn sized clothes (especially little socks and pants) that remind me just how small this little girl is going to be. Is everything cuter in miniature?





Can't wait to meet you sweet girl! T-minus 44 days!

peach & gold nursery inspiration

I have been thinking a lot about Ellie's nursery lately. I was stuck until I asked Maisie for her opinion- since she seems to already know so much about her little sister (including her name). So I asked what would be Ellie's favorite color she quickly responded "peach!" and instantly I agreed.

Now take this collage with a grain of salt because there's no way we will be able to justify buying even half of these items- especially seeing how they are only decorative pieces and heaven knows we need actual functional baby items (why did we get rid of 90% of maisie's things!?) but when browsing the internet this afternoon the world was my oyster, so I put together a dream nursery of sorts.

Ellie will be camped out in our room for awhile so we thought about converting the nook in our bedroom into a make shift nursery. Our master bedroom is gigantic! Like bigger than our living room, dining room and kitchen combined (and they are not tiny). So it really will feel like she will have her own space, but at the same time never too far from me. She will be sleeping in a bassinet next to our bed for the first few months while we get the hang of all those midnight feedings, but I would like to transition her to her crib (er... Maisie's crib?) when she's around 3 to 6 months. We do have a spare bedroom that we were originally going to set up as the nursery, but figured it was pointless because 1) I wouldn't want her in another room from me for the first few months anyway, 2) we plan on having the girls share a room eventually and 3) we would still like a place where we can have guests stay, especially seeing how we will have quite a few visitors after Ellie is born. Less than 12 weeks left people!!

Peach cloud mobile for nursery "MAY" with gold star by The Butter...

etsy.com

Gold Glitter Peach blush Feathers Tribal Bohemian Wall Art Print...

etsy.com

Crib Fitted Sheet (Gold Dot)

landofnod.com

Blush pink gold dot pillow cover

etsy.com

Cloud Wall Shelf- Small

etsy.com

Peach Bellini Tassel Garland (Peach and Champagne)

etsy.com

Peach and Gold Scalloped Garland

etsy.com

LexMod Molded Plastic Armchair Rocker in White

amazon.com

April and May: Spring in Holland

aprilandmaystudio.blogspot.nl

The name game.

As mentioned in this post and also this post Maisie has been very opinionated about the name of her future sibling. Since mid January she has been calling my belly "Ellie" and when we did finally find out we were having another daughter Maisie hasn't even thought for one second that her sister would have any other name than the one she has picked out for her, but I had other names in mind.

It's a pretty common situation that mom and dad can't agree on a name until last minute, but add a very opinionated and stubborn almost-4-year-old and it's just impossible.  But after fighting a fight that I knew would be impossible to win...I have raised the white flag. I have finally come around to the name Ellie. But for some reason I feel strongly that she should have a more sophisticated first name. Ellie to me sounds too much like a nick name. I guess some could argue that Maisie also sounds like a nickname, but alas, I still feel this little one needs a longer name.

Sooo begins the longest debate ever.

We first decided on Elinor. But after some opinions from family members (I'm looking at you KATIE) that has been nixed (even though we still like it).

My mom called and suggested Ellie Elizabeth, but Maisie has been on a Clifford book kick as of lately so Ellie Elizabeth was much too close to Emily Elizabeth the owner of the big red dog. Plus it's too many Es- Ellie Elizabeth Lee. Austin and I just couldn't commit.

So we started talking about Elizabeth. At first I wasn't too keen for it as a first name because it's soo popular and I hate being one of those people, but that bothered me a bit. I mean it has been in the top 20 names for the last 20+ years. But theres the fact that Elizabeth has a million nick names. Eliza, Elle, Ellie, Liz, Beth, Betty... I'm sure there are more. Which I guess makes me like it a bit better because most likely all the girls that are named Elizabeth will most likely go by one of those nicknames. 

Then when we started coming around to Elizabeth it was almost impossible to think of a middle name because Elizabeth sounds more like a middle name to me. It was hard to get the name to flow right. Everyone under the sun would suggest Elizabeth Mae (Ellie Mae) but I was not going to name my child after a character of the Beverly Hillbillies (even though I was named after Samantha from Bewitched- I never did master the nose twitch though). 

Names that we discussed before Ellie was in the mix almost all included the middle name "Jane" or "Kate" but Austin's brother and his wife just had their daughter who they named Jane, so we feel kind of weird taking a name that was just used by a close family member even though we are only using it as a middle name. But Elizabeth Jane sure does sound cute and Ellie Jane? Even better.

So we still haven't quite figured it out. We still teeter back and forth from Elinor and Elizabeth and still haven't nailed down a middle name for either. So I guess we will see. Wouldn't it be hilarious that after all this debate if we just named her Ellie and didn't bother with a longer first name? I guess it's not passed us at this point. haha

Lord help the mister...

because...

 Maisie is going to have a little sister!

We had our ultrasound appointment early Thursday and it was a blast watching Maisie take everything in. She started jumping up and down screaming "It's Ellie!! Maisie and Ellie! Maisie and Ellie! We are going to be the best sisters in the whole wide world!"when the ultrasound tech confirmed Maisie's suspicions of a little sister were correct. By the way, Austin and I have never once brought up the name "Ellie" Maisie has completely taken it upon herself to name her sister and refuses to even consider another name. I have been trying my very best to put my foot down, but Maisie's will is strong and the name is growing on everyone. Maisie has some pretty sound tactics too like always saying Maisie and Ellie together makes them sound like a pair already and who can say no to that? Gosh, this baby may be called Ellie by default all because of her big sister, but at least Maisie picked a cute name right?

 Baby girl (notice how I didn't say Ellie yet- where do you think Maisie gets her stubbornness from anyway?!) was being very shy, crossing her legs very lady like and hiding her sweet face behind both hands. She also wouldn't hold still for more than a second! The ultrasound tech would line up a good picture, but every single time she went to take a picture baby girl would bust into dance. We saw how perfect she was, just unfortunately didn't get a very good picture to take home... oh well.

In the words of my sister "Dude! What a bear cub! Holy claws!"

We are in love with this little girl already and can't wait to meet her in July! I am over the moon that I will have a pair of sisters running around the house or as Austin says "a little Sammie and a little Katie". Words cannot describe how thankful I am. Life is good!

p.s the title reference is from the song "Sisters" from the movie "White Christmas". And the mister in this scenario is most definitely Austin. He is so excited, but I can tell he feels eerily outnumbered which is understandable because he totally is haha! 

Gender preference

People immediately assume that since I already have a daughter that I am now hoping for a son, but that's not necessarily the case. This may come as a shock but, I genuinely don't have a preference of the gender of this little babe.

I get giddy thinking about possibly having another girl and Maisie having a sister (me and my sister are incredibly close). Them sharing a room and them potentially realizing they have a built in best friend in each other is heartwarming. The dresses, bows and pigtails are just irresistible. Twice the amount of giggles? I would never turn that down.

BUT... a boy? The concept is so foreign that it kind of terrifying I saw a quote recently that said something along the lines of "don't marry a man in less you would be proud to have a son exactly like him." and that's all it took to snap me out of my fear of raising a son. Austin is genuine, humble, hardworking and has his priorities in line. He is the perfect leader of our little family and I would be ecstatic if our potential son grew to be just like him. Plus, wouldn't be so fun to add some boy clothes and toys to our girly mix?

Seeing how I am 19 weeks along, it won't be much longer before we find out for sure and I am equally excited for either outcome.

Mama's girl?

Maisie is a bonafide Daddy's girl for the exception when she's hurt or really scared then she wants Mama, but when she wants to cuddle or rough house she immediately heads for Daddy's arms. She still smothers me in daily kisses and gives me unique compliments like "I love your skin, its so warm!" So I try my best not to get too jealous because it's heartwarming watching them, but sometimes I feel like the third wheel who just made them dinner and cleaned the house and bathed the child, yet it's Daddy she wants, but oh well. I like cuddling with him too and he's a good cuddler so I can't blame her for that.

Anyway, since I became pregnant Maisie has made a sudden switch where she only wants me and to be honest I don't hate it. I can't walk out of the room without her inquiring where I am headed. When she wakes up in the morning now instead of going to Daddy's side of the bed to be let up, now she comes to my side. She only wants to cuddle with me. She only wants to play with me and Austin is confused why he's now in the doghouse, but I think kids are so much more aware of change than we give credit for and as excited as Maisie is to meet her little sibling I think she's starting to understand that Mama is going to be busy when baby comes. We talk about it all the time and she knows that the baby needs help doing just about everything and boy, is she eager to help! So i think she's trying to absorb as much of Mama as she can before the baby gets here. The tides will turn again and before I know it daddy will be the favorite again, so I am going to enjoy it while I can and hope Daddy doesn't get his feelings hurt too badly.

Also, a couple weeks ago Maisie was cuddling with me on the couch when she fell asleep in my arms. I couldn't believe it! I can't even begin to explain how rare that is. She did fall asleep with Austin when he was trying to get her to take a nap on Christmas Eve and that was quite the shock as well, but not counting that, the last time she fell asleep in our arms was when she caught the influenza virus 3 days after recovering from croup. She had an 104 fever and fell asleep on my shoulder while waiting in the hospital waiting room. She was a few months shy of 2. So it's such a treat when she willingly falls asleep in our arms without being deathly sick.

I cuddled her for a good hour before I had to sneak off to start dinner, but not before I took a couple pictures of her sacked on the couch.

cute fruit

I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is flying by! With Maisie I felt like I was pregnant forever- time passed so slowly (maybe, just maybe it was the 18 weeks of unrelenting morning/day/night sickness and then weekly psychical therapy due to sciatica ) but this time around I only had about 6 weeks of  nausea/dizziness/seasickness (that conveniently took place Thanksgiving through Christmas) and even then that was too long in my book. 

Now that the sickess has passed, everything is going smoothly and I even have enough energy to exercise. I briskly walk 10-12 miles a week on an indoor track at the University while pushing Maisie in a stroller and its been doing wonders on my overall spirits. Other news? I am officially sporting a baby bump and wake up to little nudges almost every morning. I can't wait to meet this little babe, July can't come fast enough!

p.s isn't this app so fun? I love getting weekly updates on just how big the little babe is. Maisie also gets a kick out of knowing too. She proudly exclaims every fruit/vegetable and jumps up and down with joy. I am so blessed to have a child who understands and is so ecstatic about this pregnancy. Honestly, when I feel a little stressed or anxious about all the upcoming changes, she encourages me by being so darn excited. Anyone who knows little Maisie knows she has such an infectious enthusiasm and I just adore that about her. She makes this pregnant gig a pleasure, even when my back aches, or I am so exhausted I can barely function or when I am hungry, but nothing sounds good or am craving something that is completely unobtainable in Idaho, this little babe growing within me and the darling daughter who can't wait to be a big sister make it completely worth it.

Affirmation

I remember when I was pregnant with Maisie (4 years ago! What!?) reading in the small section about "pregnancy number two concerns" in my What to Expect book (to this day I don't know why I was reading that section) I just remember the Q&A page that voiced the concern of a mother of a toddler who was pregnant with another baby and she asked: "Will I love this child as much as my first?" I remember scoffing and thinking that despite what my teachers had taught me about "there is no such thing as a dumb question" I read that question and instantly thought that those teachers were quite mistaken. Anyway, it wasn't until Maisie turned two when we were in the talks of growing our family, when I started to experience anxiety about that very subject. I would think it's impossible for me to love more. And it's true, I love my husband and daughter with every ounce of my being and the idea of trying to divide that love? Well, it terrified me.

It wasn't until my wise husband said these words to me that it finally clicked...

"Your love won't divide, it will only grow."

For two years I had told myself those words over and over and now that we are in the throes of growing our family (almost half way there!) I truly and completely believe them. My love for this little one growing within me is already fierce and I have never doubted my connection to it or it's purpose in our lives.

+1

So we have some news...

Maisie is going to be a big sister! We will be welcoming a new little babe into our family come July 20th! 

We should be finding out the gender in a couple weeks and we can't wait to finally know! Maisie has changed her mind about the gender, up until this week she was convinced it* was a boy who she wanted to call Jeffrey (haha thats my dad's name!) but for some reason this week she thinks it's a girl who she wants to call Ellie. Maisie talks about "our baby" every day and it makes my heart swell just imagining her as a big sister- she was made for the job.

Words cannot describe our happiness for this dancing little baby who makes mama crave gherkins (mini dill pickles), lime pop-sickles, blue Powerade and at least 10 consecutive hours of sleep. :)

*Sorry for referring to the baby as it... there really needs to be a better way to address the gender of a child of the unknown variety. When I was pregnant and before we confirmed that Maisie was a girl we would call her Pat because of it's gender neutral/ambiguous nature... Oh and because of the SNL sketch and then later turned movie "It's Pat" haha!